Gingerbread Houses

Building a Gingerbread house is completely and totaly a must for Christmas. The girls had a ball making a fabulous mess. There was icing in hair, on clothes, on tables, on the carpet, and in tummies. They tried the gingerbread itself, but they didn't too much like the taste of it, so that saved the houses. The candies, on the other hand, had to be kept under lock and key. The houses are extremely blessed to have gum ball roofs and smarty holly leaves. Brianna built her's entirely on her own, but Jadyn a little help from mama. If you notice the elf in the picture that elf reports to Santa in the North Pole every night on the girl's actions during the day and returns in the morning. There is absolutely no telling where that silly little elf will be when we wake in the morning. The girls have a ball looking for him!

Christmas Comes Early!

As you can see this is my beautiful baby girl Isabella. She is always smiling, giggling, and getting into everything. You may also have noticed that Brianna's Christmas present is being put to good use already. Yes, I know this picture is blurry. That is because the child will not stay still, and I have to work on my picture taking skills. There will be better pictures up soon. Bella is a baby that rarely cries---Only when she is tired or hungry. She is a picky eater and doesn't eat that much, but has these wonderfully chubby legs. She took 6 steps all by herself today. It wont be long before she is running all over the house! I have made plans to make a scrap book for all the girls. I have picture saved so I can make all three of them books that reflect their personalities. I love doing artsy, crafty things.

Christmas plans are coming together nicely. I am completely done! Well, not completely done. I plan to get Jadyn a Barbie doll that can ride with her on her new bike. There is this cute Barbie bike that is on the handle bars of her bicycle. I also have to pick up Brianna's Christmas Eve present. I have this tradition that was past down from my grandmother to my mother and then onto me of giving the girls a Christmas sleeping outfit on Christmas Eve. Of course we always knew that we were getting these outfits, but loved the idea of opening and seeing what kind of cute outfit Mom had found for us to wear. Mom always made Christmas magical for us, and I hope that I am able to do the same for my girls.

Missing the Craziness!

Things have been so blaaaaah lately. I have sort of got into a rut. There are so many things that I need to get done, and it seems that my hands are bound. I have recently gone through my small library of books that I have read or have wanted to read and found several that I would love to sit done and tackle. Back in the day I could read a book in two days flat, but now three kids later I long for the time to do it. Now, I spend my time chasing after two wild pre-toddlers and helping Brianna with her reading. She is struggling a bit with her reading. Don't get me wrong she knows all the words, but she is perfectionists and hates to say any words wrong so she hesitates. Her teacher says that she must increase her reading speed.

I have done most of my Christmas shopping via the internet or my sister picking stuff up for me. I have missed actually looking in the stores and buying the things myself. Am I crazy? I actually miss the craziness of the Christmas crowd shopping! Hopefully, I will get out to pick up the last little things and Brianna's digital camera. I intend on using this camera more than she does! I can't get any new pics up because I don't have the necessary items. Everything has gone missing.

Case and point.......We made gingerbread houses today-you know the pre-packaged ones that you get from Wal-Mart. The girls had a ball. Brianna did her house all by herself. Didn't want my help whatsoever. Jadyn kinda supervised the assembly of her and added a few of her own pre-licked candies to the roof. The turned out beautifully, and I would love for all of you to see the excellent craftmanship of my two oldest, but I can't .......not yet. But when Brianna gets HER digital camera watch out!!!! You will be slammed with all sorts of pictures! I have one picture in my sister's camera that is of Jadyn asleep on the potty. Now, I probally wont share that one, but believe me it's cute.

Catching Up!

Well, I haven’t blogged in quite a while. There just hasn’t been enough time in the day. An update on Jadyn…… She is doing well. Come to find out she has urinary reflux which is when the muscle that prevents urine from going back up into the kidneys is weak. She will have to be on medication until she is about five. ----Hopefully she will grow out of it. If she doesn’t then she will have to have surgery. So, for right now she is doing good with no infections lately. However, the nights with her are awful. She wakes up with night terrors at least five times a week. If you have never experienced night terrors –true night terrors--- then let explain. She wakes up screaming!----at the top of her lungs. There is nothing that I can do or say that will calm her down. I have recently started taking her outside in the cool weather, and that does seem to calm her down a little bit. Her eyes are blank. It is as if she sees straight through you. I get so frustrated sometimes. Isabella wakes up sometimes, then I have two crying babies. Brianna wakes up, and I feel so sorry for her because she has to get up at 5:30 to make it to the bus on time. We pray together at night that God will help her have a good night sleep.

On a better note, Brianna had all A’s the first nine weeks and is in the gifted program at school.. She scored so high on her IQ test at school that she didn’t have to test again to be admitted into the program. All she needed was her teacher’s recommendations—which she got. She is a girl scout and walked in the Montgomery Thanksgiving Parade. She had a great time. Jadyn and I got to walk with her because I am a girl scout leader.

Isabella is growing like a weed and will be walking soon. She is a cubby little monkey. I will have to get pictures up soon. She has about 8 teeth now and is learning how to bite, and boy! do those sharp little teeth hurt!

Christmas is soo close. The girls haven't asked for too much, but what they have asked for is sooo expensive. I-pod, Nintendo DS, Digital camera, Bike, Dora tent, cell phone (yes! Bri thinks she is getting this one, but oh well). I hate this feeling of wanting to give the girls things and not being able to do it. Times are tough now for me, and I am completely ready to feel a little of this burden lifted from my shoulders.

I am hoping to take three classes this summer to update my teaching certificate. Maybe then I will be able to breathe a little easier.

A Good Report!!!!

Well we went to Birmingham to let the doctor's poke on Jadyn some more, and the cyst wasn't a cyst afterall!!!! We do, however, have another doctor's appointment in Montgomery on October 1st. They are going to run a camera through a cath to check and see if there is some urinary reflux going on. For the most part she is doing great.

I bought this wonderful book on forgiveness last week when I was picking up Jadyn's medicine. It is How to Forgive When You Don't Feel Like Forgiving. I can't even explain the amount of insight that I have gained from this book. I most assuredly have some forgiving to do. And I don't just mean Vandell (the girl's father) and my father, I mean myself too. There is such a blessing that you will receive by forgiving. How can I hold back forgiveness of others when I was completely forgiven through Christ? I have always known that forgiveness was a choice, that it wasn't based on your feelings. I just have never had big, hurtful issues to forgive. The past few years I have pushed it all to the back of my mind, and it has stayed there. I have built a wall around those feelings, and they have become a burden that has become toooooo heavy for me to carry around any longer.

Crazy Days on Wheeler Hilltop

My, my, my, when it rains it certainly does pour lately! Jadyn keeps getting these really bad Urinary Tract Infections. She runs really high fevers (104.8). Scary fevers. She looses complete control of her bladder, which is very unusual for her. She has never been a bed wetter. I took her to the doctor on Tuesday. She was fine when we arrived there at 9 am, but the poked and prodded her for several hours. They tried to get urine through a catheter twice. Yes, I did say twice. I hate them, so I guess for a two year old it was horrific. I know that it sure sounded that way. They held her down on one of those confining boards that strap her arms down. It took three nurses to get the catheter in and the whole time she was screaming at the top of her lungs “Let me go, get off of me” (There was a nurse that actually sat on top of her and held her legs up) It was awful!!! All of this trouble twice to get absolutely no urine specimen! They said that she wouldn’t relax enough. Yeh, like a two year old that is terrified with three nurses holding her down with tube inserted in her urethra is going to relax! They ended up bagging her-a bag tapped over her to collect urine. She wouldn’t even pee then, because she didn’t want to wet her pants. My sister (who works at the pediatric office) had to sit her on the toilet to go. I have never seen urine look soooo much like puss.

They gave her four prescriptions and told us to come back the next day. She didn’t run fever the entire day, so the office told us there was no need to come back in. Then-----she took a nap and woke up with yet another 104 fever. The office told us to take her to the emergency room. We got there at 5pm. They told us about 9pm that they were going to admit her, and it was about 2am before we got into a room. They had to put an IV in and I cried and cried. All she wanted to do was go home. She didn’t understand why she had to stay and why they kept poking her with needles. I thought that we would be going home the next day, but no. We were up there Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and half a day on Saturday. They had to do another IV on Thursday because the one that they did in the ER started to swell. She got use the IV machine and would drag the bag cart around with her. She wouldn’t eat or drink, but the women on the pediatric floor were good with her.

They kept finding things wrong with her, though. Friday they sent her down to get an echocardiogram. They heard a murmur, which I have known about since she was born, and realized that it had never been checked out thoroughly. Everything was basically fine with that. She has one valve that allows a little backflow, but shouldn’t cause her any problems. They said that we should just keep a check on it every year.

I actually saw my father’s wife at the hospital. I was trying soo hard to ignore her or at least lead her to think I didn’t know who she was, but she wouldn’t allow it. She made some remark on my flip-flops and how she had the same pair and how comfortable they were. Oh well, “Yes, they are comfortable.” That was all I could come up with for her.

We go to Birmingham on Thursday to get the cyst that is on her kidney’s checked out, more catheters and a dye test. When will all of these painful procedures for this little girl come to an end? If this were being done to me it wouldn’t be a problem, but all of this on Jadyn. Pain that your child goes through is much more painful than your own. I guess that must be a little bit like how God feels when we go through pain, or even on a bigger scale, how He felt when Jesus paid the ultimate sacrifice.

Six Flags

Well, things have been crazy around the house the last few weeks. I had a wedding that I went to weekend before last. This past Sunday I took Brianna to Six Flags. She had an absolute ball. I was tired, tired, tired, tired!!!!! She wanted to ride every roller coaster that there was. Of course, she wasn't tall enough to ride the Bateman or the Superman, darn! She loved all of the rides. Really, really wanted to ride all of the rides twice, but those lines were crazy. I had forgotten that some of the waits on those were almost an hour long. The last time I was in Six Flags there was one ride I couldn't ride because the belt wasn't long enough! How embarrassing! Well, I fit on all the rides this time. I was 203 this morning. I have a goal of 197 by Jadyn's birthday which is September 12th. 6 more to go. I still have about 50 more to go. It's getting a little old now, but I will make it. I'm having to deal with self sabatoging efforts. I always do that.



I am getting Brianna ready for school. She starts on Monday. I have so much to do. I have decided to perm her hair. I have to get a deep conditioner to put on her hair before I do it. I picked up the wrong perm and have to get another one. I have everything for her except some tennis shoes and three prong folders----which are impossible to find right now, and she needs 25 of them! Third grade- wow! time does fly by. Jadyn will start head start after her birthday in September and will be riding the same bus as her older sister. She is so excited. She is such a mama's baby I don't know how that will work, though. Mama and I have already said that she will be expelled the first week of school. OOOOH! she can be soooooooooooo bad sometimes and soooooo sweet at others. She completely fits the old nursery rhyme. "There once was a little girl with a little curl right in the middle of her forehead. When she was good she was really good, but when she was bad she was horrid." That's my Poo (Jadyn) to a T. I am going to get updated pictures of the kids up soon. So maybe all of ya'll can see what 203 looks like!!!Ha Ha.

What! Baby

Don’t know what a “What!” baby is, I have had three of them. You know the moment that you tell someone that you are pregnant they go “What!”, with a huge look of surprise mixed with disappointment. I always wanted one of those wonderful “Congratulations” babies-the ones that are accompanied by a huge smile and hug, but haven’t had one. It’s a good thing that God loves us all equally, and we aren’t judged on whether we are “What” babies or “Congratulations” babies. Jeremiah 1:5 says “ Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart:”

Psalm 139:13-15 says
“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my
mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully
made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame
was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes
saw my unformed body.”

See, God knew each one of us individually before we were even in the womb. Each one of us has a plan and a purpose. The over simplification of these two things is “To know God and to make Him known.” I say simplification because to know God is a life long journey.

Remembering Who God Is, Was and Always Has Been!

My wonderful friend from college told me not to put my earthly father’s head on my eternal Father’s shoulders. I guess that I have probably have been doing that for a while now. I really haven’t thought too much about my dad for a long time. I always wanted his approval, but he was never a very affectionate man. He wasn’t upset that I had got pregnant out of wedlock, but he disowned me when I told him that the father was black. I don’t understand racism. It’s ignorance, plan and simple ignorance. He has seen Brianna only a couple of times. The first time that he saw her was at my brother’s wedding. Brianna was a flower girl and was absolutely beautiful. He looked and looked at her. I don’t know what he expected her to look like, but I could see something in his eyes. I may be wrong, but it looked a little like a sad look. Almost as if he regretted not knowing her. But I know that man, and I was probably wrong on my evaluation of the situation. I tried to talk to him- actually picked up the phone and called him about four years ago. The conversation revolved completely around him and how I had purposely got pregnant by a black man to hurt and embarrass him. “You hurt me, You embarrassed me, You lied to me. I humbled myself and apologized, but told him that I hadn’t done anything to intentionally hurt him. I asked if there was anything that could be done to fix our relationship. He then said that He had moved on with his life and there was no room in it Brianna or me (she was the only child I had at the time.) I felt really stupid after that conversation. A real idiot. I vowed never to talk to him again; I had made the effort of talking to him, and he hadn’t changed.

I guess that is how I have approached my relationship with God these last several years. I never even had the conversation with God that I had with my Dad, but I was assuming that His reaction would be the same. I just knew that if I went to Him that He would disown me, or that He already had. That He had better things to do than to be there for me. It’s a funny thing when you know what you are thinking is wrong, but you believe the lie anyway. I know who God is. I know His attributes. I know how to study His Word. I know how to make applications of what I have learned. I know how to do word studies and book studies. I know how to cross-reference and use a Strong’s Concordance. ---I just haven’t done what I know how to do. I have believed what I know to be a lie for a long time now. Satan is sneaky in the way that he gets to you. In the beginning it’s just a little sin because the big things are obvious and are avoided. It escalated into more and more until I was feeling as if there was no help, so I might as well keep on doing what I was doing.

This is what I know to be true: God is unchangeable- Immutable, perpetually the same; everlasting the same. Numbers 23:19 says “God is not a man, that he should lie, nor a son of man, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfill?” Psalm 33:11 says “But the plans of the Lord stand firm forever, the purposes of his heart through all generations.” Hebrews 13:8 “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.” Ok, if He is unchanging, then what are His attributes that never change? He is eternal, faithful, forgiving, good, gracious, great, holy, just, all knowing, loving, merciful, omnipresent, patient, all powerful, righteous, sovereign, truthful, and wise. Now is time to dig in my heels and stand firm. Most definitely not on my strength, but with the strength of the ALL POWERFUL, RIGHTEOUS GOD.

Being Too Honest?

This picture of Jadyn when she was one is just how I want to take in God's Word. I want to take it all in!! Is there such a thing as being too honest? Sharing too much information? I'm not sure, but I am going to trust that God will be in complete control of what I share through this blog. I have too long trusted in myself. It's a hard thing to rebuild trust when it has been lost, and I had lost trust in myself. . My mother just found out that she is a diabetic. It was extremely high when she went to the doctor. She is stubborn when it comes to going to the doctor; she avoids them like the plague. We are copeing, though. It wont hurt the entire family to eat correctly. The girls have diabetes and heart trouble on both sides of the family, and I have recently found out just how many in my family have it. The girls grandmother and grandfather on their father's side both died before their 50th bithdays. Brianna asked me last night if Nana (my mother) was going to die like her Gran Gran did. I told her that Nana was going to take care of herself so that she could be around for a long time. She then asked why her Gran Gran didn't take care of herself. I had to tell her that I didn't know. Children are wonderful aren't they. They can sometimes be honest to a fault. They ask questions and tell you things about yourself and don't think about whether they will be hurting your feelings. Brianna told me that needed to lose weight, she wanted me to be skinnier. She told the truth that is for sure. Fifty pounds later she told me that she could tell that I had lost weight, but I still needed to lose more, "but will you have enough room if another baby pops into your stomach" Ha Ha. I preceded to tell her there would be no more babies popping anywhere! All this to say --- honesty hurts and comes at a cost, but if it is coming from the right place is always benificial. So, may the Lord give me strength to always be honest with myself.

New Day

You know the feeling that you get when it is turning from summer to fall? I guess maybe not everyone feels the same about it as I do. Fall is my favorite time of year. Absolute favorite! The temperature is coming down, the leaves are changing colors, and to me, there is an excitement in the air. That is how I feel right now. Right now I am in the heat of the summer, the dog days of summer, but the Fall is right around the corner. It will come, because Fall always comes after Summer. I won't go into details of what my situation is right now, but it can only get better. I have lost several pounds since April. I was 267 when I had Isabella in February, and I am now 211. Ok, for most that is still a huge number, and it is, but I am getting better. I had put alot of weight on as a shell to hide some of the pain I was going through with the girl's father. I'm getting my groove back, though. I know that there are alot of things that I still have to let go. Once you have been through the things that I have gone through is it possible to be normal again. I recently emailed a friend of mine in college. I told her everything--well not everything- because I am still not ready for the whole story to come out of my mouth--Do you know it took me two days to actually write the email! It is hard to trust anyone anymore. I know that God is the only one that can truly help me overcome my issues, but I still feel that He is so far away. That He is completely ashamed of me, mad at me, and disappointed in me. I know that there is nothing that can take me out of the grasp of God's hand, but this voice keeps telling me that I am nothing. I know the truth, but it is sometimes hard to believe it.

Isabella Collien Wheeler

This is Isabella. She turned 5 months old on the 7th. She was an easy birth and has been a joy ever since. It takes a little time to figure out a child's personality, but so far she is a thinker. She looks and looks. It's like she is trying to figure you out. Then when she is satisfied with her findings she will give you the biggest, cutest, gummiest smile. She is sitting up now and wants really, really badly to crawl---she is thinking on that one too! Her sister Brianna took this picture. Most of the ones that I have taken have come out with her looking drunk!:) She loves to run her mouth. Loud!

Jadyn Alysia Wheeler

Ok, this picture tells it all with Jadyn. She is completely different from her sister Brianna. Jadyn is wild, wide open. She is hard-headed, stubborn and willfull. She likes to do things for herself. Loves to poke out that bottom lip when she gets in trouble or doesn't get her way. She keeps Brianna and Madelyn running constantly. Then there is the other side of Jadyn. She is loving, caring, and drops everything to help me if I ask her to. How can she be two different children you may ask---I have no clue. She dislikes most men, hides behind my legs. But loves her Daddy---go figure. She has night terrors at night, which keep up about an hour each night. She screams for no reason. The doctor says that some children just go through this phase and that it will pass---Here's hoping to that it will be soon!!!!! Also, she has had to have several test done lately. The doctors have been worried about her kidney function. They had to do an ultra-sound of her urinary tract and found a cyst on one of her kidneys. Now granted it is as small as your pinky nail without the white, but is still scary. She ran a 104.8 fever about three weeks ago. She had a bad UTI, which is border line uncommon in a child her age. They thought that it might have been a weak muscle that was letting bacteria go back into her kidneys. So, now this means more tests--poor baby she is scared to death of the doctor's office. She has been to the emergency room at least 7 times with nurse maid's elbow. This is when her elbow basically comes out of socket. It happens at every little thing now, so we have to be careful. Can't swing her around and around-it came out when Brianna was swinging her one day. She ran out in front of a car, and I snatched her out of the way---happened again. Needless to say she hates doctors!!! But you can't knock her spirit, though!

Brianna Keyandra Wheeler

This is one of my favorite pictures of Brianna. It is a couple of years old, but it will always be a favorite. She has always been so stong, strong beyond her years. She thinks about others. It's uncanny sometimes how sensitive she is to other people's needs. She has grown up so fast. Use to she loved Dora The Explorer and Rolie Polie Olie, now its the Jonas Brothers---Did I even spell their name right. I have had to deal with race issues with her already. She came home this year with her feeling hurt because some little girls called her a white girl! What! She doesn't like being called that. She wants her hair staight like her cousin Madelyn's. Then she wants it cut like Rhianna's (singer if you don't know). Her eyes tell it all in this picture. I want so much for this little lady. I don't want her to grow up, but I know that she will, and I can't stop it. I must give her the tools to become a woman of strength, dignity, and integrity. God please give me the wisdom!

Breathe

HERE'S MY THREE BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTERS!

JADYN 2, BRIANNA 8, AND ISABELLA NOW 5 MONTHS

Well, I didn't think that my site could be found so easily. Complete honesty about yourself is harder than I realized. Guilt of putting up with what I have put up with eats me up. I know better, always did. I chose to go against God's will; there is noone to blaim, but myself. I know that I can't focus on past misstakes. I must look toward the future. I have 9 years of habits to break, but through God's strength I will overcome. It's almost like coming slowly out of a fog. These three girls are the reason that things will change. They need to know the power and majesty of the one true King. They are so smart and so precious. Brianna is sensitive and caring. Jadyn is wide open all the time! And Bella, well she watches everything and has a smile that lights up the room---gummy as it may be right now.

The Very Beginning

I will not go into specific details, but I went through a 10 year long abusive relationship. My dad disowned me for very racist and stupid reasons. (Had three beautiful daughters that are bi-racial). I say oh well! It's his lose, definetly not mine. The man that I was with verbally and physically abused me. He brained washed me into thinking that I had to put up with everything he was dishing out because noone else would want me. My self-esteem was never the best. I knew that sex before marriage was wrong, but I guess I thought that the damage was done. I realized finally that I have to be an example for my girls. They need someone to look up to. I could never forgive myself if I was the reason that they thought that it was ok to put up with all of the things that I put up with. I have been gathering strength for a while now, but it's hard to convince those around me that I have. It's a daily stuggle now. I have fallen a long way, but I will rise. I will be the one that my girls can look to. I will be the one that will guide them in the direction of the ultimate example. They are my world. Everything happens for a reason. I have learned a hard lesson. The cycle of abuse stops with me. I know the truth. The truth that the Lord is good always! In good times and in bad rejoice. I have seen rough times and I have ran in the other direction, but He has called my name, and I will answer.

A New Beginning

Ok, so everything is a new beginning lately. My life has been too crazy to actually tell it all in one sitting. Where I am now is a single mother of three beautiful daughters. Brianna (8), Jadyn 2 1/2, and Isabella (5 months), Struggling mom is more like it, but things are changing. The winds have changed, there is a new season that I see in the distance. I feel the fresh air and smell the excitement that it will be bringing. So if you are reading this blog then prepare to see changes and experience honesty at it's complete rawness. (Don't know if that is even a word) Basically I am going to be completely honest about my entire life and let people judge how they may, because I only care about my final judgement.