What! Baby

Don’t know what a “What!” baby is, I have had three of them. You know the moment that you tell someone that you are pregnant they go “What!”, with a huge look of surprise mixed with disappointment. I always wanted one of those wonderful “Congratulations” babies-the ones that are accompanied by a huge smile and hug, but haven’t had one. It’s a good thing that God loves us all equally, and we aren’t judged on whether we are “What” babies or “Congratulations” babies. Jeremiah 1:5 says “ Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart:”

Psalm 139:13-15 says
“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my
mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully
made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame
was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes
saw my unformed body.”

See, God knew each one of us individually before we were even in the womb. Each one of us has a plan and a purpose. The over simplification of these two things is “To know God and to make Him known.” I say simplification because to know God is a life long journey.

Remembering Who God Is, Was and Always Has Been!

My wonderful friend from college told me not to put my earthly father’s head on my eternal Father’s shoulders. I guess that I have probably have been doing that for a while now. I really haven’t thought too much about my dad for a long time. I always wanted his approval, but he was never a very affectionate man. He wasn’t upset that I had got pregnant out of wedlock, but he disowned me when I told him that the father was black. I don’t understand racism. It’s ignorance, plan and simple ignorance. He has seen Brianna only a couple of times. The first time that he saw her was at my brother’s wedding. Brianna was a flower girl and was absolutely beautiful. He looked and looked at her. I don’t know what he expected her to look like, but I could see something in his eyes. I may be wrong, but it looked a little like a sad look. Almost as if he regretted not knowing her. But I know that man, and I was probably wrong on my evaluation of the situation. I tried to talk to him- actually picked up the phone and called him about four years ago. The conversation revolved completely around him and how I had purposely got pregnant by a black man to hurt and embarrass him. “You hurt me, You embarrassed me, You lied to me. I humbled myself and apologized, but told him that I hadn’t done anything to intentionally hurt him. I asked if there was anything that could be done to fix our relationship. He then said that He had moved on with his life and there was no room in it Brianna or me (she was the only child I had at the time.) I felt really stupid after that conversation. A real idiot. I vowed never to talk to him again; I had made the effort of talking to him, and he hadn’t changed.

I guess that is how I have approached my relationship with God these last several years. I never even had the conversation with God that I had with my Dad, but I was assuming that His reaction would be the same. I just knew that if I went to Him that He would disown me, or that He already had. That He had better things to do than to be there for me. It’s a funny thing when you know what you are thinking is wrong, but you believe the lie anyway. I know who God is. I know His attributes. I know how to study His Word. I know how to make applications of what I have learned. I know how to do word studies and book studies. I know how to cross-reference and use a Strong’s Concordance. ---I just haven’t done what I know how to do. I have believed what I know to be a lie for a long time now. Satan is sneaky in the way that he gets to you. In the beginning it’s just a little sin because the big things are obvious and are avoided. It escalated into more and more until I was feeling as if there was no help, so I might as well keep on doing what I was doing.

This is what I know to be true: God is unchangeable- Immutable, perpetually the same; everlasting the same. Numbers 23:19 says “God is not a man, that he should lie, nor a son of man, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfill?” Psalm 33:11 says “But the plans of the Lord stand firm forever, the purposes of his heart through all generations.” Hebrews 13:8 “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.” Ok, if He is unchanging, then what are His attributes that never change? He is eternal, faithful, forgiving, good, gracious, great, holy, just, all knowing, loving, merciful, omnipresent, patient, all powerful, righteous, sovereign, truthful, and wise. Now is time to dig in my heels and stand firm. Most definitely not on my strength, but with the strength of the ALL POWERFUL, RIGHTEOUS GOD.

Being Too Honest?

This picture of Jadyn when she was one is just how I want to take in God's Word. I want to take it all in!! Is there such a thing as being too honest? Sharing too much information? I'm not sure, but I am going to trust that God will be in complete control of what I share through this blog. I have too long trusted in myself. It's a hard thing to rebuild trust when it has been lost, and I had lost trust in myself. . My mother just found out that she is a diabetic. It was extremely high when she went to the doctor. She is stubborn when it comes to going to the doctor; she avoids them like the plague. We are copeing, though. It wont hurt the entire family to eat correctly. The girls have diabetes and heart trouble on both sides of the family, and I have recently found out just how many in my family have it. The girls grandmother and grandfather on their father's side both died before their 50th bithdays. Brianna asked me last night if Nana (my mother) was going to die like her Gran Gran did. I told her that Nana was going to take care of herself so that she could be around for a long time. She then asked why her Gran Gran didn't take care of herself. I had to tell her that I didn't know. Children are wonderful aren't they. They can sometimes be honest to a fault. They ask questions and tell you things about yourself and don't think about whether they will be hurting your feelings. Brianna told me that needed to lose weight, she wanted me to be skinnier. She told the truth that is for sure. Fifty pounds later she told me that she could tell that I had lost weight, but I still needed to lose more, "but will you have enough room if another baby pops into your stomach" Ha Ha. I preceded to tell her there would be no more babies popping anywhere! All this to say --- honesty hurts and comes at a cost, but if it is coming from the right place is always benificial. So, may the Lord give me strength to always be honest with myself.

New Day

You know the feeling that you get when it is turning from summer to fall? I guess maybe not everyone feels the same about it as I do. Fall is my favorite time of year. Absolute favorite! The temperature is coming down, the leaves are changing colors, and to me, there is an excitement in the air. That is how I feel right now. Right now I am in the heat of the summer, the dog days of summer, but the Fall is right around the corner. It will come, because Fall always comes after Summer. I won't go into details of what my situation is right now, but it can only get better. I have lost several pounds since April. I was 267 when I had Isabella in February, and I am now 211. Ok, for most that is still a huge number, and it is, but I am getting better. I had put alot of weight on as a shell to hide some of the pain I was going through with the girl's father. I'm getting my groove back, though. I know that there are alot of things that I still have to let go. Once you have been through the things that I have gone through is it possible to be normal again. I recently emailed a friend of mine in college. I told her everything--well not everything- because I am still not ready for the whole story to come out of my mouth--Do you know it took me two days to actually write the email! It is hard to trust anyone anymore. I know that God is the only one that can truly help me overcome my issues, but I still feel that He is so far away. That He is completely ashamed of me, mad at me, and disappointed in me. I know that there is nothing that can take me out of the grasp of God's hand, but this voice keeps telling me that I am nothing. I know the truth, but it is sometimes hard to believe it.

Isabella Collien Wheeler

This is Isabella. She turned 5 months old on the 7th. She was an easy birth and has been a joy ever since. It takes a little time to figure out a child's personality, but so far she is a thinker. She looks and looks. It's like she is trying to figure you out. Then when she is satisfied with her findings she will give you the biggest, cutest, gummiest smile. She is sitting up now and wants really, really badly to crawl---she is thinking on that one too! Her sister Brianna took this picture. Most of the ones that I have taken have come out with her looking drunk!:) She loves to run her mouth. Loud!

Jadyn Alysia Wheeler

Ok, this picture tells it all with Jadyn. She is completely different from her sister Brianna. Jadyn is wild, wide open. She is hard-headed, stubborn and willfull. She likes to do things for herself. Loves to poke out that bottom lip when she gets in trouble or doesn't get her way. She keeps Brianna and Madelyn running constantly. Then there is the other side of Jadyn. She is loving, caring, and drops everything to help me if I ask her to. How can she be two different children you may ask---I have no clue. She dislikes most men, hides behind my legs. But loves her Daddy---go figure. She has night terrors at night, which keep up about an hour each night. She screams for no reason. The doctor says that some children just go through this phase and that it will pass---Here's hoping to that it will be soon!!!!! Also, she has had to have several test done lately. The doctors have been worried about her kidney function. They had to do an ultra-sound of her urinary tract and found a cyst on one of her kidneys. Now granted it is as small as your pinky nail without the white, but is still scary. She ran a 104.8 fever about three weeks ago. She had a bad UTI, which is border line uncommon in a child her age. They thought that it might have been a weak muscle that was letting bacteria go back into her kidneys. So, now this means more tests--poor baby she is scared to death of the doctor's office. She has been to the emergency room at least 7 times with nurse maid's elbow. This is when her elbow basically comes out of socket. It happens at every little thing now, so we have to be careful. Can't swing her around and around-it came out when Brianna was swinging her one day. She ran out in front of a car, and I snatched her out of the way---happened again. Needless to say she hates doctors!!! But you can't knock her spirit, though!

Brianna Keyandra Wheeler

This is one of my favorite pictures of Brianna. It is a couple of years old, but it will always be a favorite. She has always been so stong, strong beyond her years. She thinks about others. It's uncanny sometimes how sensitive she is to other people's needs. She has grown up so fast. Use to she loved Dora The Explorer and Rolie Polie Olie, now its the Jonas Brothers---Did I even spell their name right. I have had to deal with race issues with her already. She came home this year with her feeling hurt because some little girls called her a white girl! What! She doesn't like being called that. She wants her hair staight like her cousin Madelyn's. Then she wants it cut like Rhianna's (singer if you don't know). Her eyes tell it all in this picture. I want so much for this little lady. I don't want her to grow up, but I know that she will, and I can't stop it. I must give her the tools to become a woman of strength, dignity, and integrity. God please give me the wisdom!

Breathe

HERE'S MY THREE BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTERS!

JADYN 2, BRIANNA 8, AND ISABELLA NOW 5 MONTHS

Well, I didn't think that my site could be found so easily. Complete honesty about yourself is harder than I realized. Guilt of putting up with what I have put up with eats me up. I know better, always did. I chose to go against God's will; there is noone to blaim, but myself. I know that I can't focus on past misstakes. I must look toward the future. I have 9 years of habits to break, but through God's strength I will overcome. It's almost like coming slowly out of a fog. These three girls are the reason that things will change. They need to know the power and majesty of the one true King. They are so smart and so precious. Brianna is sensitive and caring. Jadyn is wide open all the time! And Bella, well she watches everything and has a smile that lights up the room---gummy as it may be right now.

The Very Beginning

I will not go into specific details, but I went through a 10 year long abusive relationship. My dad disowned me for very racist and stupid reasons. (Had three beautiful daughters that are bi-racial). I say oh well! It's his lose, definetly not mine. The man that I was with verbally and physically abused me. He brained washed me into thinking that I had to put up with everything he was dishing out because noone else would want me. My self-esteem was never the best. I knew that sex before marriage was wrong, but I guess I thought that the damage was done. I realized finally that I have to be an example for my girls. They need someone to look up to. I could never forgive myself if I was the reason that they thought that it was ok to put up with all of the things that I put up with. I have been gathering strength for a while now, but it's hard to convince those around me that I have. It's a daily stuggle now. I have fallen a long way, but I will rise. I will be the one that my girls can look to. I will be the one that will guide them in the direction of the ultimate example. They are my world. Everything happens for a reason. I have learned a hard lesson. The cycle of abuse stops with me. I know the truth. The truth that the Lord is good always! In good times and in bad rejoice. I have seen rough times and I have ran in the other direction, but He has called my name, and I will answer.

A New Beginning

Ok, so everything is a new beginning lately. My life has been too crazy to actually tell it all in one sitting. Where I am now is a single mother of three beautiful daughters. Brianna (8), Jadyn 2 1/2, and Isabella (5 months), Struggling mom is more like it, but things are changing. The winds have changed, there is a new season that I see in the distance. I feel the fresh air and smell the excitement that it will be bringing. So if you are reading this blog then prepare to see changes and experience honesty at it's complete rawness. (Don't know if that is even a word) Basically I am going to be completely honest about my entire life and let people judge how they may, because I only care about my final judgement.